“Becoming a mother this way doesn’t make me any less of a mother,” Victoria Nino, a mom of two egg donor-conceived children, wants to stress.
Real moms, she continues, “are the ones their children call for at night when they are scared, or run to when they are hurt. Real moms are the ones who kiss owies, pack lunches, braid hair, build sand castles, bake cookies and tell bedtime stories.”
The path to motherhood isn’t linear. As many as 1 in 6 women experience fertility issues, and yet there is often still a stigma around choosing to explore fertility treatments to get pregnant.
One fertility treatment option in particular that isn’t talked about enough? Working with an egg donor to conceive. It’s a process that’s an emotional one for intended parents, and one that can feel quite lonely and isolating because of the stigma associated with using donor eggs. It’s time to normalize this journey— and celebrate all the different ways someone can become a mother.
There’s still a stigma around using an egg donor
“Freezing eggs doesn’t seem to have a stigma. Using a sperm donor doesn’t feel like there’s that much of a stigma. Adoption feels very altruistic and it’s such a wonderful thing. Yet egg donors, still for the female, it feels like you weren’t able to do something, you know?”
Marisa Liston is a mom of three donor-egg conceived children. She went through six rounds of egg retrievals and a failed IVF round before turning to egg donation. Liston says that as a woman in a heterosexual relationship, she battled feeling like she wasn’t good enough because she couldn’t get pregnant naturally.
“Finding out you need an egg donor to conceive is a traumatic event, and then infertility grief and genetic grief pile on. I went through all of these experiences alone,” says Nino, the mother of two donor-conceived children, adding that this led to feelings of guilt, shame and sadness.
Emily Patel also used an egg donor, and remarks that she didn’t know anyone else that had used donor eggs to get pregnant. “I had no resources. I had no support.”
While fertility treatments like IVF have become more common, working with an egg donor remains a path to parenthood that many people don’t know much about, which can lead to a stigma around the option, says Lauren Makler, CEO and Cofounder of Cofertility. “With any form of fertility treatment, there’s always the fear of being judged by friends, family or society for taking a non-traditional path to parenthood, which can lead many intended parents to avoid discussing their experiences all together,” she says.
Egg donor use is more common than you might think
In 2021, the roughly 400 clinics who send data to the Society of Reproductive Technology (SART) reported over 20,000 IVF transfers using a donor egg. That translates to 1 in 373 births in the US using a donor egg that year. It’s heartbreaking to think that so many women and families trying to build their family using donor eggs might feel ashamed or alone during the process, like Nino, Liston and Patel all felt.
But at the end of the day, all three women have been able to become moms, thanks to working with egg donors.
“You think it matters right now,” recalls Liston as she talks about how she struggled before her children were born with the concept of using donor eggs. “I am telling you now, when you have those children and they are your children, it’s not gonna matter in the way that you think that it does.”
Patel also likes to remind people that genetics aren’t a requirement for being a parent. “Genetics are the least of what has made me a mother. Love has done it all,” she says.
It’s time to embrace the option of using donor eggs
Simply talking about egg donation is the number one thing that will help destigmatize it, says Makler. “Listening to and amplifying the voices of donor-conceived individuals, parents who have used egg donation, and egg donors themselves can help humanize the process and show the real, positive impact it has on lives.”
Nino agrees. “If more people were talking about [using donor eggs], or if it was portrayed in television shows, movies, in celebrities’ lives, these experiences could show the real beauty behind using an egg donor and help break the stigma,” she says.
Makler also believes Cofertility’s approach to working with egg donors and recipients can help normalize the option. Instead of intended parents buying donor eggs, Cofertility donors can freeze their eggs and store them for up to 10 years for free in exchange for donating half of what is retrieved.
Supporting women who use donor eggs
Nino and Patel are both on a mission to provide resources for those thinking about using donor eggs or who have used donor eggs. They didn’t have any resources when they went through the process and wanted to change this for other women—so that anyone considering or going through the egg donor process feels heard and supported.
“We were never meant to walk this road alone,” Patel says of why she started the Hopeful Mama Foundation, an organization that provides in-person and virtual support groups and education workshops. It’s her goal to support women in whatever way is necessary to help them “fulfill their hopeful mama dreams, just as I was able to fulfill my dream.”
Nino has created a similar community and set of resources with Infertility Unfiltered, which features courses and support groups for every stage of the egg donor process. “It’s kind of like therapy and school all wrapped up in one, in a group setting with other people going through it alongside you providing unconditional support,” she says of the sessions she and her team offer.
It shouldn’t matter how someone becomes a parent. “Everybody needs a little help along the way in some way,” says Liston. “Once you have your children, it doesn’t matter what your options were, you will always want the children that you have. I can’t even imagine these not being my children.”
Normalizing the option of using donor eggs helps everyone: All women should feel supported on their path to motherhood, whatever that might look like.
