I first read about the concept of “gentle partnering” in a Huffington Post article titled, “You’ve Heard Of Gentle Parenting. Now There’s ‘Gentle Partnering.’”. The piece explored how principles of gentle parenting—empathy, patience, and respectful communication—can translate into healthier, more connected adult relationships. As a mom of five, a parenting podcast host, and someone who hopes to foster harmony at home and work, I found the idea fascinating.
Gentle parenting has already transformed how I approach my kids (but to be clear, I’m not perfect, nor do I strive to be), but applying these techniques to my relationships with my spouse, colleagues, and even friends? That’s been a game-changer. Here’s how the framework of centering yourself, validating others, and collaboratively solving problems has worked for me—and how you can try it too.
Start by centering yourself
You know the saying, “Put your oxygen mask on first”? The same idea applies to communication. Gentle partnering begins with you—not the other person. Before diving into a potentially tough conversation, take a moment to calm your nervous system.
For me, that might look like taking deep breaths, stepping outside, or repeating a simple mantra like: I’m here to connect, not control. This step helps me avoid reacting emotionally and instead approach the situation with clarity and compassion.
The HuffPost article backs this up, with therapist Tracy Ross emphasizing the importance of preparation: “Figure out a good time for the difficult conversation to happen—no blindsiding, no blaming.”
Related: It’s official: the mental load is hurting your relationship with your partner, survey finds
Notice your reactions, but choose how to respond, not react
Gentle parenting has taught me to pause before reacting to a child’s tantrum. In my marriage, this means noticing my own triggers and emotions without letting them dictate my response.
If my husband seems irritable or withdrawn, instead of snapping back, I try to ask myself: What’s really going on here? Is he stressed? Hungry? Feeling unsupported? Gentle partnering invites us to approach these moments with curiosity, not judgment.
In her article, therapist Brittany Bouffard notes the value of this approach: ‘If you know that anything related to critique is triggering, you can be present for his feelings and help him to calm, rather than only blame or shame emerging.’”
Acknowledge their feelings—even if you disagree
The cornerstone of gentle partnering is making others feel heard. Reflective listening is a powerful tool here. Instead of jumping straight to solutions, start by validating your partner’s experience.
This might sound like: “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed right now. That makes sense.” For me, acknowledging my partner’s emotions (without immediately trying to “fix” them) has been a game-changer. It defuses tension and builds trust.
The HuffPost article also highlights how this skill works wonders beyond romantic relationships. Reflective listening can improve workplace dynamics or friendships just as much as it strengthens your marriage.
Gently guide conversations toward solutions
Once emotions settle, it’s time to collaborate. In gentle parenting, we don’t force solutions; we guide children toward understanding their options. The same principle applies in adult relationships.
For instance, instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” I might try: “I really appreciate everything you’ve been doing at work. Could we figure out a way to share more of the chores at home?”
This approach invites connection rather than defensiveness. It’s a skill that’s helped me both at home and in professional settings—whether I’m working with a client or negotiating with a colleague.
Related: 28 powerful questions to ask your partner to bring you closer
Celebrate effort, not perfection
One of my favorite lessons from parenting experts is the power of “labeled praise.” Instead of vague compliments like “Good job,” you acknowledge the specific effort: “I loved how you cleaned up your toys without being asked.”
In relationships, the same strategy applies. For example, I might say to my spouse: “I noticed you unloaded the dishwasher this morning—it really made my day.”
As therapist Sarah Spencer Northey noted in the HuffPost article, “No clients have ever come to me complaining that there is too much labeled praise in their relationship.”
Gentle partnering isn’t about taking charge of your partner—it’s about showing up with empathy, grace, and a willingness to collaborate. And while I don’t always get it right (spoiler: no one does), I’ve found that leading with kindness has made my relationships stronger, more resilient, and more connected.
Sources:
- You’ve Heard Of Gentle Parenting. Now There’s ‘Gentle Partnering.’ 2024. Huffington Post. You’ve Heard Of Gentle Parenting. Now There’s ‘Gentle Partnering.’
