For generations, many boys have been taught that they need to be, above all else, tough. But one mom is bucking that trend, and in a viral TikTok video, she explains why.
“See these boys? These are our boys,” Jen Hamilton says in her video, showing a picture of her family, including her two little boys. “And we have decided not to raise tough boys.”
She continues, “I might sound crazy, but when you raise your kids to be tough, or you tell them to toughen up, what you’re teaching them is how to mask true emotions that they’re feeling to appear strong.”
Hamilton goes on to explain that when we teach little boys to be “tough boys” by sucking up all their emotions, we’re actually teaching them to suppress and internalize all their emotions—and that leaves room for only one emotion to manifest: anger.
“And what happens is these tough little boys grow up to be men who are only capable of expressing one emotion,” Hamilton says. “That emotion is anger from pushing down their feelings. So much like a beach ball underwater that when that boundary finally breaks, it comes out as temper—throwing things, yelling.”
She says that she and her husband are taking a different tack: teaching their boys to express their feelings and emotions in healthy ways.
“What we’re teaching our boys is to feel deeply and to allow yourself to feel those feelings and that even the negative emotions that we experience as human beings are there to protect us. So for instance, if my son comes home and he was left out of something, I don’t say, ‘Get over it’ or ‘Toughen up.’ What I say is, ‘Hey, that really sucks. And I know exactly what that feels like and it really hurts,’” she says. “And in allowing themselves to feel those things, they’re able to be more deeply empathetic in other situations where they may see someone being left out. But when we say things like get over it or toughen up, you’re telling them that those feelings aren’t valid and then they are not able to see those feelings as valid in other people.”
The goal is to help boys grow into well-rounded, emotionally mature adults capable of forming positive relationships. This benefits not just the individual, but society as a whole. Teaching boys to express emotions in healthy ways and resolve conflicts non-violently can help reduce aggression and violence. Also showing them how important it is to respect people of all genders as equals helps create a more just and equitable society.
In the comments of Hamilton’s video, many viewers praise this approach.
“This is what breaks the trauma of the patriarchy. This is what will save young males,” one person wrote.
Another added, “The world is harsh enough. Great job Jenn!! They will grow up to be incredible men.”
