I remember the end of my virtual breastfeeding 101 course. I’d spent a couple of hours learning about the proper way to latch a baby to breast, different nursing positions and tips on avoiding mastitis. I was confident that I’d be able to successfully nurse my baby girl when she arrived. Friends also assured me that my baby and I would find a rhythm with nursing quickly.
Spoiler alert: even after help from lactation consultants, watching YouTube videos and trying every piece of advice, breastfeeding did not naturally click into place for me. I called it quits three weeks after my first daughter was born. My milk supply was negligible, my mental health was suffering and baby girl seemed to like formula just fine.
My second daughter and I were also never able to figure out direct nursing, but I ended up being able to give her breastmilk by exclusively pumping.
It’s something I felt shame and guilt about, until I learned that many women go through a similarly challenging experience. Some of my friends never needed any help and breastfed from day one, but the more moms I talk to, the more I realize that type of experience is rare.
The majority of women face breastfeeding challenges
“Most new parents are surprised with the learning curve or difficulties they face at the beginning of their breastfeeding journey,” says Demi Lucas, an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) and Clinical Resource Manager with The Lactation Network.
She says roughly 70% of women will face challenges, especially in the first month, that include things like cracked nipples, pain while breastfeeding, and worry over whether they’re producing enough milk.
Paula Norcott, an IBCLC and Lactation Program Director at Pumpspotting, agrees. “So many parents think breastfeeding will just fall into place naturally, but that’s only true for about 10% of people,” she says. “Everyone else has to work hard to make it happen.”
Finding out other women have difficulty breastfeeding is comforting
The Exclusively Pumping Mamas – Education & Support Group on Facebook has over 150,000 members. Its members are moms who have decided to exclusively pump to feed their babies—some by choice, and others because nursing didn’t work out. I became a member after I quit nursing my second daughter to get tips on how to pump breast milk, and found a world of women who had experiences similar to me.
I asked the group for stories about wanting to nurse, and the response was overwhelming. Nearly 200 women wrote back in the span of a few hours before a moderator closed the thread. Comments about working with lactation consultants, getting tongue ties fixed, trying nipple shields, having a baby born in the NICU and being disappointed by not being able to nurse flooded my notifications.
“I wanted to nurse so badly, but my daughter would not latch for anything,” Emily S. commented. “I tried everything I could.”
McKenzie E., who went through three years of trying to conceive before getting pregnant with IVF added, “I felt like a failure when I couldn’t get pregnant without help and then also couldn’t nurse.”
“I envisioned direct nursing as ease, convenience, and building a beautiful bond with my babies, Francine M. reflected. “Unfortunately, I found the opposite. Direct nursing was hard, unplanned, overstimulating, chaotic and out of my control.”
The comments made me cry as I realized that so many women go through the anguish of wanting to nurse their babies from the breast and feeling shame and guilt when it doesn’t work.
Education and preparation are important
Suzanne Mungalez, certified lactation education specialist (CLES) and psychologist at The MaMA Space, says that she often sees women whose breastfeeding expectations don’t pan out at her practice.
“When feeding looks different from what people imagined,” she says, “the disappointment is far greater than they realized it might be, and people experience shame, guilt, anxiety, and a sense of letting people down.”
But normalizing the struggle can help. She says it’s important for expecting moms to prepare for the fact that things might not go as planned, and that the more people talk about how difficult nursing can be, the more it will help reduce feelings of shame and guilt when it doesn’t work out.
“If lactation goals need to change for the sake of mom’s mental health, it is important to know that it does not make you a bad mom, Mungalez emphasizes. “In fact, it makes you a mom who is doing what is best for yourself AND your baby in the long run.”
It’s also worth noting that exclusively pumping is absolutely still breastfeeding. Changing the definition of breastfeeding to be more inclusive can help reduce the stigma associated with different feeding practices, too.
Both Lucas and Norcott (the lactation consultants) also recommend taking a prenatal breastfeeding course and doing a 1:1 consult with a lactation consultant before giving birth.
“Your IBCLC will be able to help you identify if there may be any underlying causes that could impact the breastfeeding relationship and how to prepare” says Lucas. Norcott adds that “having support lined up before baby is born saves you from figuring it all out when you’re in the haze of postpartum recovery.”
It’s time to level-set about how hard breastfeeding is
Breastfeeding is hard. 60% of moms will quit nursing or giving their baby breastmilk before they thought they would because of the various challenges associated. It’s not the easy, smooth experience that’s so often depicted in movies and social media.
I wish I had known some of these stats so that I could better prepare myself for how hard breastfeeding would be, and so that I could mentally grasp that pumping or formula feeding my babies is just as good as direct breastfeeding. But the more we normalize the conversation now, the more we can lessen any guilt or shame around different feeding journeys—whatever form they take.
